Seymore, a giant tentacle monster slithers onto the stage. The camera pans to see only his tentacles, as per his request that his whole body not be displayed on the show. Some men cheer his appearance, yet some women groan in displeasure. The applause comes out rather muddy.
Stella: It's a wonderful delightful to have you, Seymore!
Stella reaches her hand out to shake his "hand". Seymore looks down at the hand, and shakes his head disapprovingly.
Seymore: I'm quite sorry my dear, but I must refuse. I wouldn't want to take advantage of you, as a handshake can be misconstrued as a more offensive type of...position.
Stella: Awww shucks, it's okay. I'll shake your hand. It's a human greetin'.
Seymore: Once again, I must insist. I am a gentleman, and I am sure a bow will do just fine.
Stella: Seymore here hails from the Peeneye race. The Peeneye race was the first species to make contact with Earth. Seymore was part of the first crew to land on Earth as well! What a coinkeydoodle! Tell us what it was like, Seymore!
Seymore: We originally arrived in 1633 AD. I was the captain of the Giger, a mineral scout. My name was Bob at the time. We had a survey expedition to extract minerals from the planet. We had NO idea that there were intelligent people there.
Stella: And how did you react on first contact?
Seymore: I was slithering around the rock formations with my brother, when we saw a woman in a corset. She was looking into the sky, all by herself. She had a telescope on a tripod, and then she bent over to peer into it. Her massive breasts popped into view, and our balls dropped.
(audience laughs)
Seymore: Well it was rather tragic because O couldn't help himself.
Stella: O being your brother?
Seymore: Yes. He was my younger brother. So anyways, O just completely raped her.
Stella: Golly... And what did you do?
Seymore: I just... I was frozen. On the one tentacle, I wanted to join in, because she was just beautiful. On the other tentacle, I knew this wasn't the way to handle first contact, let alone another sentient being. I was just... frozen. I couldn't bring myself to stop him... I... (sniffle)... I... couldn't save her!!
Stella: There, there. Um, have my handkerchief.
Seymore: Oh! Please don't hand that to me, just throw it in the air!
Stella throws the tissue in the air. Seymore sobs uncontrollably and cries all over the tissue. He does not hand it back.
Seymore: I've totally ruined your handkerchief, I'm sorry.
Stella: It's okay. You've shown amazing restraint.
(audience applause)
Seymore: I saw this at first as only a potential problem. I ordered the crew to stay within the confines of the ship. We still had to assess whether to make first contact. I met up with a prominent astronomer of Mankind, Galileo. He was sentenced to house arrest from the Roman Inquisition for heresy on his ideas about Heliocentrism, or how the Earth revolves around the Sun. We both agreed that humanity simply wasn't ready to meet another race, at the time.
Stella: My my.
Seymore: I went back to the ship after I made my decision, and as soon as I got back, I had reports of insubordinates that raped women while I was away. The situation was deteriorating. I told the rest of the crew that we were leaving. I knew that we were leaving a planet full of silicate mineral resources, but it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth all the pain and suffering of the human race. Had we gone back to Ballzac, we would have enslaved Humanity. I would have been filthy rich, but I rejected slavery!
Stella: I imagine your crew didn't take too kindly to this.
Seymore: Correct. There was instantly a divided opinion. My own brother was ashamed for what he had done, so he stayed by my side. The opposing crew reasoned that people like Galileo wanted to be discovered by an alien race, but I knew that Mankind could not, at the time, defend themselves against any of my less restrained brethren Peeneye.
Seymore: The next day, before launch, my brother was missing from roll call. I feared the worst. I slithered as fast as I could to find him on my computer... and I did find him in the woods. He was being chopped to pieces.
Seymore: I didn't bother. The Peeneye are a proud species. I knew that the instant his tentacles were cut, he would have lost his pride- No, his very reason to live. He survived the attack. He slithered over to me... and he said he was sorry. He was so...sad that he... disappointed his older brother. (sniffle) He wanted... to be a Captain, like me. Instead he was just a lonely yeoman to die in the middle of the woods!! Ohh WHY!! (cries)
Beatrice: Um... Here you go.
Beatrice steps forward and throws him a towel. He spews all over it.
Seymore: (sobs) Oh thank you!!
Beatrice: No, umm. Thank you.
Stella: I hate to interrupt, but we're on a timed schedule here. Should we conclude this another time?
Seymore: No, I'll be fine, thank you. Let me continue. He laid there, without any of his tentacles. I pointed my laser at him, and his dying words were... "Stay strong, Brother. Stay true to Ballzac. You know what must be done".
Stella: What a tragedy. So young...
Seymore: After I finished him off, I went back to the ship. I knew something...something I didn't want to admit knowing. I scanned the ship before takeoff and found ten women aboard the ship. Captives. Had we gone back, it would only have been a matter of time. I went down to the engineering section and inputted the command to self destruct the ship in an hour, and left the ship for hiding.
Stella: You blew up yer own ship to smithereens!?
Seymore: Yes. The crewmates were losing control of themselves. When the alarm went off, they had an hour to get their things and leave. Nobody died in the explosion. I do not regret the decision, and would be honored to do it again.
(audience applause)
Seymore: You're all too kind. From there, we all went our separate ways. We were small in number, so our impact was minimal on Humanity. I'm proud to say that we were never found out by the general public. Governments acknowledged our existence, and knew us to be a peaceful folk. To my dismay, one of the shipmates rose to prominence in Japan, but at least it was only legend. I went on to lead a singing career. I sang as the monster in Little Shop of Horrors. I worked with the crew in that movie, showing my tentacles onscreen from time to time, when tentacles were accepted into mainstream.
Stella: That's simply wonderful! That was you in the movie?
Seymore: Thank you, and yes, but only partially. The plant head was not me... just the tentacles and the voice. I have the deepest respects for the puppeteers that worked on that amazing production. The rest is galactic history. I witnessed humanity make first contact with the Turellian race, and when they did that, I ordered the rest of my mates to come out of hiding, and we officially made first contact. After that, came the messy messy courtroom drama over the rape allegations of my mates.
Seymore: While we are biologically predisposed to take advantage of women, it's entirely possible that we show restraint. I stood trial as a witness and confirmed this to the courts. After they heard my story about my brother, the court ordered that Peeneye be treated or punished no differently than any other human sex offender.
Stella: You stood trial against your own people. Such bravery! But my next question is something that's been troubling many of our audiences. Why would a Peeneye want to serve on a mainly human space station?
Seymore: I'll take offense to that. I might be a Peeneye, but I'm a space miner. I've been that all my life. Space mining is my job, and I take it very seriously. I have NEVER had relations with a female that did not consent to it. As far as Humanity is concerned, I am the BEST Peeneye space miner to have in this operation.
(Audience applauds and throws in a few cheers)Stella: Um, dearest, before you go, can you tell us how you got your name?
Seymore: We change our names based on age. My brother's name was O.
Seymore shapes one of his tentacles into a perfect "O".
Seymore: Over the years, I have sought discipline to name myself Seymore.
Seymore shapes one of his tentacles into a cursive "Seymore".
Stella: Let's all give him a round of applause! Thank you so much Seymore for a spectacular interview!
(Audience applauds)
Stella: Come here, lemme give you a hug!
Seymore: Oh my! I'm afraid I can't ---URK!!!
Stella hugs the beast. He envelopes her with his tentacles, with one around her breasts and another sliding between her thighs. The tentacle wiggles in delight, but does not enter her orifice.
Stella: Come here! Let me give you a kiss!
Stella grabs a tentacle and gives it a kiss on the tip.
Seymore: I can't- Nooo!
Seymore spews a nasty spread of cum on Stella's lips.
Captain: Stella, we can't air that part.
Stella: That's speciesism. I can kiss a human, and that would air on TV.
Seymore: I need to go. Somewhere private...with lots of tissues.
Captain: We're broadcasting to Earth. We're going to have to at least cut it out of Earth's airing.
Stella: Good golly. They would've liked it. You sure did.
She points to my unbridled bulge in my pants. Whoops. I turn to the side and adjust it. Beatrice turns off the camera and turns away in disgust.
