3p0- Woke up. Got about 12 hours of sleep, felt like I really needed it too.
4p1- Exercised.
5p2- Ate. Video gamed.
6p3- Ate more... internetted.
7p4- Internetted. Paid respects.
Robin Williams is dead. He was in the first movie I ever saw in a theater, Aladdin. He was great in Birdcage. He died by suicide. IMO, he probably had a legitimate reason for suicide. Y'know how I rate my efficiency every hour, I also rate my life from time to time. It's a fun question to ask other people too, say "How would you rate the previous year of your life, out of 10?"...
So for a while, it used to be a 5, even though I was pretty depressed. I couldn't justify bringing it any lower than 5 because of the material things I had to be thankful for. I mean, take a look, some third world countries would really really suck to live in. How could I be more depressed than a 5 if I've never faced such third world hardships? But people can have legitimate depression that doesn't stem from one's health or financial situation. When I realized that I was so depressed that I constantly considered suicide daily, that's when I knew my life was a 2. I've never been at risk for suicide. As much as I wanted to do it, my resolve to finish this game has always been higher.
I don't know what Mr. Williams's source of depression was, but I'm willing to bet it was a justified suicide. I'll define a justified suicide as having met these requirements:
1. The suicidee's belief system or lack thereof allows it.
2. The suicidee must be sane.
3. The suicidee must believe that the combined average of the rest of their life would equate to a rating of under 5. If a rating of 5 means that you're neither happy or unhappy, than anything under 5 is at least somewhat unhappy, and that's not really a life worth living if it persists. I'm allowing for this suicidee to simply believe what the future holds rather than know, which is kind of shaky. I mean, what if a POW was being tortured every day, but he had a small chance of being rescued very soon? You could argue that the POW was not justified, that he should have held on a little longer, and we could attribute his failure to his willpower. Perhaps his willpower was not as strong as his fellow theoretical POW that did manage to survive, but to me, it's enough to say that suicide was a reasonable option, ergo justified.
Seeya Mr. Williams. I hope you had a good run...and I really hope this wasn't just some sort of drug related death, hehe.
Current Life 4/10
8p5- Worked on StellaH3.
Difficulty 7/10 Efficiency 8/10
9p6- Worked on StellaH3.
Difficulty 7/10 Efficiency 10/10
10p7- Worked on StellaH3.
Difficulty 6/10 Efficiency 10/10
11p8- Worked on StellaH3.
Difficulty 8/10 Efficiency 10/10
12a9- Worked on StellaH3.
Difficulty 7/10 Efficiency 10/10
1a10- Worked on StellaH3.
Difficulty 6/10 Efficiency 10/10
2a11- Finished StellaH3.
Difficulty 6/10 Efficiency 7/10
3a12- Worked on Stella's story.
Difficulty 2/10 Efficiency 4/10
4a13- Finished Stella's story.
Difficulty 2/10 Efficiency 8/10
5a14- Exercised. Ate a bagel.
6a15- Ran into computer problems, fixed them, and then internetted.
7a16- Worked on LarissaH2.
Difficulty 2/10 Efficiency 8/10
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You know, I'm glad that you are willing to post personal details of your life on this blog. The internet can be a really unsafe zone for stuff like that, but there are those of us who care (I do!) and sympathize. Having struggled with depression myself, I know it's frustrating to realize that the lack of happiness is just... not tied to anything, and you can't just cut something out or just find a fix for it. There's a helpless feeling that other people don't get it, and I am ashamed to say that at one point I didn't either. I tried to engender an aura of "depression" around myself as a teenager to draw pity and others' attention. I have to say, the real thing didn't make me a "beautiful, tortured soul" (I dunno, do you get what I mean by that?) like many forms of media depict. Life sucks - and fears and responsibilities and a bit of guilt are what keep you going. I'm a firm believer in just finding any reasons at all to keep going.
ReplyDeleteWhen people noticed and told me they cared, I had two reactions. One, it made me feel better in a way. Two, I often got angry that they said so, but obviously didn't really know. Anyway, in the end, I don't even know you. Your sense of humor is great. You make hilarious, engaging, intelligent porn adventures that I love. Through your blog, I believe you are a genuine good person; at the least, you display a really rare honest-plus-intelligence thing (that I can't put words to) that is, like, nowhere else on the internet. That's just the impression that you've given me, but I'd venture to say others feel the same. I can't judge the "worth" of your life. I'd like to be able to say that it gets better, because in my case, I've made improvements. The way you've set numbers to your life - only you know how that is. But I'd miss you if you were gone, insofar as I could miss a guy I never knew beyond his works and blog.Take this for whatever encouragement it is, and if you think I'm overstepping, disregard it.
Thank you for the detailed account. It's rewarding for me to know that someone out there appreciates what I make, especially an anonymous like you.
ReplyDeleteIf I was a video game character, I'd be the NPC that leaves behind a ton of notes
for the player to read in a horror game. Writing can be therapeutic. I try to be honest about it because I have the liberty to, while professionals in the real video game industry don't. I have to be careful though, since the blog can serve as bad PR. It can get out of hand sometimes because people don't always tend to see me on a personal level.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm not as depressed as I was before, so things are getting better. The End is Nigh!